Ah...Political Correctness

FROM: Patty Lewis, HR Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party
 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

> Company Memo

> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

> Company Memo

> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

> To: All Employees

> DATE: December 4, 2012

> RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

> Company Memo
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Fucking Employees
> DATE: December 5, 2012
> RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you ****** wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

> Company Memo

> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 6, 2012
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

LINCOLN

I went to go see "Lincoln" at the Marcus Theatres - La Crosse last night, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I knew plenty about Abraham Lincoln going into the movie, you know, everything that we all learned in history class. Was President during the Civil War, freed the slaves, got shot at Ford's Theatre. So basically, I thought that's what the movie was going to be about. While I was correct (not really a spoiler there), it was an extremely well done movie. Daniel Day-Lewis portrays Lincoln phenomenally, and the costumes and settings needed for a 1860s period piece were also spectacular. To base the plotline on Lincoln's entire life would have made the movie much much much longer than it already was, so I'm glad that Steven Spielberg chose to focus the plot on a much narrower timeline in Lincoln's life. It's extremely dialogue heavy and comes off as very authentic. Very solid movie, and I full expect to hear much more about it come Oscar time.

Cargo Shorts

Now, I'm not a huge advocate of cargo shorts. That's not to say I don't have a pair or two, and I do certainly appreciate their functionality, but stylisticly, they leave something to be desired. That being said, if Michael Jordan wants to wear a pair whilst golfing, power to him. Apparently the folks at La Croce CC in Miami Beach didn't like the fact that he was breaking dress code and asked him to change. I get it, but to risk a member of Michael Jordan's status not coming back is dumb in my opinions. And to ask him to change when he was 12 holes in? Just crazy. If he was snorting blow off a hooker's ass on the 12th hole (not totally unfathomable, but I digress), I can understand asking him to change. But over some extra pockets on his pants? Give me a break.

Franchise movies

So I went to go see Skyfall with my family this Saturday. I love the James Bond franchise and was very much looking forward to this movie. But the movie, to me, was almost too good. No spoilers here, but Javier Bardem is an excellent villian. He's very cerebral and methodical, and most of all brilliant, which to me, is the most terrifying type of villain. But here's the thing. It's a franchise movie and I'm keenly aware that the main character isn't going to die. James Bond might have a gun to his head in the first 15 minutes of the movie, but you know that it's a 2.5 hour movie, and they're not going to off the main character. Plus, considering there have been 23 Bond movies and there will likely be more, you've got a good idea that Bond won't die at any point of the movie. Not saying I didn't enjoy Skyfall, but knowing that took out a little bit of the suspense.

Hoping for more Luck of the Irish

I'm not sure if I believe in the SI cover jinx, but as a Notre Dame fan, I'm convincing myself that I don't. My rationale for this is that this wasn't supposed to be Notre Dame's year. The Fighting Irish came into the season unranked (or 24 or 25th, depending on where you look, but still). They have a redshirt freshman quarterback. The lofty expectations weren't there. They have scratched and clawed (and lucked) their way to an 11-0 record, and I really enjoy watching how this team plays. They're a blue collar, hard nosed team that wins on defense and a running game. I'll be watching Saturday night with bated breath, hoping they can take down USC, the preseason #1 team, on the road, in LA. I'm hoping Irish eyes are smiling down on Notre Dame this weekend.

Mason Crosby

Not the greatest day for the Packers' kicker yesterday, but that kind of comes with the territory. If kicking field goals was easy, you and I would be doing it. Yeah, he's only 11 of 18 on the season, but 4 of those misses have come from over 50 yards. Crosby has been a good kicker in Green Bay for a long time, and he's still very valuable on kickoffs and the other aspects of being an NFL kicker. The Packers won't be cutting him this week, and I'd like to think that the insurance field goal he made at the end of yesterday's game will go a long way to bringing his confidence back. And to those that want to bring in a free agent kicker, those guys are free agents for a reason. They're re-treads who have been cut by teams in the past, and are probably no better than the very talented kicker we have now. I certainly hope the Packers stick with Mason.

Movies

I was talking with a friend yesterday that had never seen Rocky and it occurred to me that many people have "that movie they've never seen". For me, it's Pulp Fiction and I get crap from it from my friends all the time. It's almost to a point where I don't want to see it, just so I can keep that story going. I know people that haven't seen Caddyshack, Anchorman, The Godfather, Airplane, Big Lebowski and classic movies of the like. With so many movies out there, there's always one classic you haven't seen. Have you noticed this at all, or is it just me?