Olympic Death Traps

So far, so good for the Olympic games. It seems that much of the hype surrounding the less-than-adequate conditions of the hotels has not transferred over to the competitive venues, and that's a beautiful thing.

The Olympics came at a perfect time this year, as pick right up where football left off. I spent most of my Sunday watching the various events, and I came to the conclusion that a lot of the events have something in common. That common thread? I'd probably end up dead if I tried to participate in the sports in a competitive manner.

Via Getty Images

The big hitters:

Alpine skiing - They're going upwards of 80 mph flying down this course! How they stay in control is beyond me. I was watching yesterday in absolute terror.

Freestyle skiing/Slopestyle - Not only are they going down hill, but they're doing flips and corkscrews and 1080s and stuff. Lots of opportunities for me to get paralyzed.

Luge/skeleton - The only difference would be whether or not I kill myself laying on my back or on my stomach.

Ski jumping - They're jumping the length of a football field!!

Speed skating - Those skates seem really sharp. I trip and take one to the jugular? Likely.

Cross country skiing - I would just die of exhaustion in this one.